We’re all mad here

Eleven in the morning may not seem like a horribly early hour to you, I find it dreadful. For the most part, I haven’t had any sleep. I went to bed around five thirty, and this consisted mostly of laying there and staring at… well I’ll explain later. And  can you guess what I was contemplating all the while? Tea parties, white rabbits and riddles.

I continue to be baffled as to why someone out there has found me to be the perfect target for such a theatrical threat. It’s utterly terrifying, and would be almost hilarious in it’s unlikeliness if it didn’t bear such a ring of truth in my life. The absolutely sad thing I must admit about myself is that I believe this white rabbit, and I’m catching myself sincerely hoping that his riddles are solved and something is done about all of this. Most likely it will just reassure me and put irrational fears to rest, but I’m not about to deny that I’m fighting off that ten percent of my mind wondering if there is somehow a connection between the strange things I’ve been experiencing and… all of this now. I know that makes no sense, but neither does anything else. After what happened last night, I’m willing to believe almost anything.

Last night I went to bed around one, laid down, closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Insubstantial delusions kept drifting through my mind. I saw myself wandering through a topiary maze, chasing the white rabbit. In my head it was the one from the old Disney movie, not ominous at all except for the slight bit of white noise. Every so often the rabbit would stop and stare at me for a moment before dashing off again, and when he did so, that white noise got twice as loud. I was chasing him all around in circles. If I ever caught him I was going to ask just why he was making static. and possibly which way to Wonderland (which in retrospect might have been a bad idea).

All of a sudden, I was struck by sheer terror. Icy, nameless, causeless terror. Something wrong, something evil was there with me in that garden. I remember shaking and trembling in my bed in real life, but I didn’t want to open my eyes. Backing out of the dream (vision?) didn’t seem sufficient to rid myself of the terror. So in my mind I ran for the exit, darting around corners blindly, no idea which direction I was going. The evil followed me and it kept getting closer. I could hear breathing behind me. I could feel eyes drilling into the back of my head. The white rabbit during this was nowhere to be found. I ran and I ran, and the sounds of static got louder, resonant with screeches and hisses and the occasional distorted scream like a child in terror.

Madly, and without caution I ran directly through one of the hedges and into a large grassy field. I was safe. The evil was still inside, sniffing around for me, thrashing furiously when I could not be found. And that’s when I noticed that I could still, ever so faintly and at the edge of my perception, hear static. I opened my eyes. I could still hear static. It was coming from the hallway right outside my room.

Cautiously I creaked open the door into the hallway. It was horrifyingly dark, but void of any source for the noise which I now heard as coming from down the stairs. I walked downstairs following the noise. The television was left on, but it was muted and not producing that sound at all. My mother had passed out on the couch in front of it, and I moved quietly to avoid waking her up. The static lead me out the back door, around the side of the house to the garage, and to the trash cans stacked there. Pushing the cans aside revealed my old radio, beaten, bent out of shape and filthy, as if someone had dug it out of the garbage. More alarmingly, it was off. The moment I realized that, the sound in my head switched off as well.

I carried the radio back to my bedroom and stared at it until morning. I am too afraid to turn it on.

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Published in: on February 1, 2011 at 11:39 am  Comments (9)  

Pardon me a moment

I’m afraid that I don’t understand.

I never intended to incite something of a minor riot by posting my little personal revelation here. All of a sudden, there are comments all over the place trying to warn me about things. Am I to understand that this video and this blog are intentionally referencing myself in a threatening way? I don’t find that comfortable, or intelligent really. If anything, it’s embarrassing and really makes me feel underrated in my quest to solve more realistic issues.

Could someone kindly make this a little bit clearer? I’m hearing about rabbit holes and tea parties and all sorts of things as if there’s a sudden conspiracy to twist and warp my words and ideas into something downright ominous. I would greatly appreciate it if all parties involved would explain to me why all of these things are being said, or better yet stop saying them promptly.

I can’t deny; this is under my skin more than a little bit.

Published in: on January 26, 2011 at 11:02 pm  Comments (12)  

Just a feeling

Hello everybody. I’m absolutely positive that you’re not reading this. In fact, I pretty much wished this blog farewell around new years and hadn’t planned on coming back. I really hadn’t. When I look back on all that I had written before, I think I must have come across as every kind of silly and immature and anything but a worthwhile read.

Life has not gotten any easier. In fact, it’s been getting a good deal harder recently, which is part of what drove me back to posting here. It may not be an effective writing project, but it makes a good diary to express things through, and I suppose I’m somewhat in need of that. I’m somewhat in need of a lot of things, and I’m not positive what most of them are. I’ll be honest; painfully so.

I am not entirely sane, I presume. You have accounts here of me thinking I’ve seen or I’ve heard things, and running off at the mouth about all sorts of impossible nonsense. It’s still happening of course. The static playing through my mind as if that radio is still in there, searching for a signal. The sleepwalking dreams of wandering into a decrepit shell of my usual surroundings. That feeling you get some days as if no matter how hard you listen your brain can’t form complete sentences out of the word people around you are saying. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that feeling. The point is my inner demons are running amok, and it’s a horrible feeling, one that I’ve been sharing, although with less perspective since I started this blog.

I keep trying to hide behind the mask of Alice in Wonderland, playing out this little game in the hopes that working metaphors into everything will somehow make it easier to deal with my more tangible problems, which of course it hasn’t. Escaping into a fantasy world isn’t going to make my friends stop excluding me, or my sister stop telling me what to do, or my father stop… anything. That realization (which occurred earlier this afternoon) somehow turned everything upside down. I know that a lot of what I’m going through is going on in my mind, and I know that a lot of what I say when I try to explain myself is fiction.

I guess that I needed to admit that, publicly, to nobody perhaps but myself . I still want to meet the White Rabbit and fall down the hole into Wonderland so badly… but what counts most is that I’ve realized; I can’t.

Published in: on January 24, 2011 at 11:10 pm  Comments (4)  

A fork in the road

I suppose it has been a terribly long time since I’ve been on here. Before Christmas at least, and I had been accustomed to posting every day. I’m starting to get back into my usual routines now, and I’ll most likely be keeping up my blog. As always, it’s good to see a few people looking at this from time to time, and better when they say hello or offer helpful words.

My Christmas was average, honestly not that exciting. I opened a few presents, nothing I really wanted, and I sat around quietly at parties, daydreaming while the adults talked about whatever it is that adults talk about. It always strikes me that their conversations are so boring; little life stories worth shallow humor and maybe an “oh my” or two, or whining about tragedies and hospitalizations. I would much rather talk about imaginary worlds and exactly what happens to a life when it “dies”, then about the trouble I was put through having my oil changed or some such thing. And this, I suppose, is what makes me so downright insane. That’s what they tell me.

I know you’re all wondering about the radio, the sleepwalking and the nightmares. I don’t think it’s healthy for me to be reliving my nightmares in these writings, as they’re not really meaningful to anyone except my inevitable psychiatrist. The radio remains gone, I haven’t dug it up out of the garbage or anything, and the sleepwalking has been less of a problem since I hung a bell on my doorknob. Typically, I’ll wake myself up ringing it, instead of nearly being run over by cars. I still think there are dead people in the corners of my vision to be perfectly blunt, and I still turn my head around searching for the static I hear inside, but I at least have an understanding now that it’s all my own doing, and nothing impossible is occurring.

I’m sure that’s somewhat anticlimactic to hear, and you all would have been far more pleased if I had found a body buried in my basement, or been possessed by a demon or something. Well, I apologize, but I don’t think I have. The real world tends to conclude things in much less exciting ways. Regardless, I will continue telling the little stories of my life, depressing as they sometimes are, here. If anything else out of the ordinary happens, I’ll tell you about that as well. For right now, I am enjoying the sense of safety that comes from being away from school and in enough social situations to avoid the home life issues as well. It’s  brief and only partial sanctuary, but it will have to do.

Published in: on December 28, 2010 at 8:10 pm  Leave a Comment  

Christmas Eve

This is not really an update in my story. Things right now are going just about the same as they have been; difficult life, nightmares, sleepwalking. I have a couple of stories I could tell, but I’m not about to do so right now.

I’m just here to wish everyone a merry Christmas, and I’ll be back to my more regular posting after this weekend is over.

Happy holidays,

Alice.

Published in: on December 24, 2010 at 6:57 pm  Leave a Comment  

Any road will get you there

That title is, you guessed it, another Lewis Carroll quote. His books and quotes always seem to bear so much relevance to my life; I find one present for almost every occasion. I skipped a day blogging yesterday, for which I apologize, but simple things like school and family obligations had piled up while I was worrying myself sick about radios and hallways.

Speaking of the possessed radio, it hasn’t made a sound since I hid it in my drawer, and today I carried it out to the trash can and unceremoniously threw it away. I need to deal with problems I am having in more realistic ways. For instance, I am a terribly nervous person. There is nothing unusual about my radio, and I know that, as do you. But I latched my fears onto it and it worked; I fooled myself.

My more pressing concern (and todays little horror story) is that I am a sleepwalker. I discovered this for certain when this morning I awoke standing in the middle of the street in front of my house with several cars swerving to avoid hitting me. Staggering back up to my bedroom, I found the door still locked, which means I either jimmied it open in my sleep and re-locked it to fool my waking mind, or climbed out of the window. I’ve heard that sleepwalkers are prone to this kind of rebellious behavior, as it represents some suppressed something or other.

As soon as possible I will be setting up some manner of alarm to keep myself from sleepwalking and possibly killing myself in the process. Meanwhile, I am coping with the ever-present nightmares (which I don’t feel like going into right now), and the general pressures of school and day-to-day life, which are nightmares enough. I am telling myself to relax as much as possible, to stop looking out windows and seeing shadows in the corners of my vision, because such things are not real, and cannot hurt me as much as my chronic fearfulness of them can.

All of this logic aside, I still feel that something is deeply wrong.

I hear static. And it’s coming from nowhere.

Published in: on December 22, 2010 at 2:50 pm  Leave a Comment  

She’s stark raving mad!

Go on, you’ve thought it. I’ve thought it too. Portrait of a girl with a little too much to worry about in the real world, so she decides to worry about an imaginary one instead. Freud would be smugly pleased, I’m certain. I’ve heard it said that when someone has gone mad, they find themselves having an absolute certainty that they are sane. I am beginning to arrive at an absolute certainty that I could not possibly be sane, and perhaps this proves that I could. I certainly do hope I’m not mad.

This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn to the sound of my radio screeching horrible sounds at me, far worse sounds than it had been making before. The volume was turned all of the way up, and the dial had been changed to some station I’ve never listened to. Most disconcertingly, I went to sleep with the radio off. In the three or four seconds it took me to sprint from my bed and rip the cord out of the wall I thought I heard dogs howling in pain. I unplugged it, wrapped it up in a towel, and shoved it in the bottom drawer of my dresser which I have been glancing at since, endlessly swearing that I could have sensed some resonant screech at the very edge of my hearing.

There is more.

The nightmare that I said I would share yesterday recurred. It was like a longer version of the beginning of that first dream. I was home, inexplicably by myself, and there was a darkness to the atmosphere, as if things turned to shadow when I looked away, only possessing the illusion of substance to fool my eyes. I was angry, unnaturally angry and without any reason. Both times through I ran around the house searching for someone or something. I seem to have had a very distinct conviction of what I was so furiously looking for during the dream, but it left me with no memory of my intentions once I awoke. I had run into the hallway off of the kitchen, which leads to the basement stairs, and unable to contain my fury had vigorously kicked a large hole into the wall there. Peering into the hole I made, I saw my own basement in a horrible way, as if it were made out of rust and bloodstains, nailed to a wire mesh and thrown into an infinite void of blackness. I saw this for only a moment, and then the radio woke me.

On a morbid bent and clearly driven by madness, I had to visit that hallway while awake this evening. There was not a gaping hole or an alternate reality, but there was a dent near the base of the wall, precisely as if someone had tried to kick it in. I will be locking myself in my room at night from now on, as I presume in my madness I am sleepwalking. Outside of coincidence, that is the only possibility I am willing to accept.

I do very much hope I am not going insane, and that all of this turns out to make more sense than it is right now.

Published in: on December 20, 2010 at 11:11 pm  Comments (1)  

Recording

As promised, I went ahead and recorded a bit of that weird static from my radio. After doing that, I changed the stations around, still found nothing and flipped it completely off. I’ll be sleeping in the quiet again tonight, which I am growing more accustomed to, but I’m still spending a lot of time scared. There’s a lot of things going on in my personal life as well, but today just isn’t a good writing day for me. Perhaps tomorrow.

For now, here is the recording. You have to listen kind of carefully, and you’ll hear these odd higher-pitched sounds, which are not exactly like what was creeping me out the other night as it keeps changing, but in the same general category, and still unnatural to have turning up on every channel. Feel free to confirm or deny my overactive imagination.

On a similar note, while taking the recording, I could see my window out of the corner of my eye. For a half second, it seemed to be blocked out, as if someone were standing directly in front of it; on the second story. Six impossible things before bedtime, all of them making me nervous.

Published in: on December 19, 2010 at 9:51 pm  Leave a Comment  

No time to think of a quote

This is going to be brief. I may post more later tonight, and I may not since I’m likely going to end up dragged around doing a bunch of things that don’t excite me. I had more nightmares last night which I should detail at some point since they were unique and I swear all of this is me trying to tell myself something. I left the radio that I’ve been talking so much about recently off all night, and I won’t be turning it back on tonight except to grab a recording of that static. If I get a chance, I will share that recording with all of you, so that you can hear just how odd it is, or how off target I am about this whole thing, either one. That’s all I have time for right now.

Published in: on December 19, 2010 at 2:30 pm  Leave a Comment  

Take care of the sounds and the sense will take care of itself

It’s just after midnight, and I’m in bed typing. There’s Church tomorrow, so I’m running myself out of time to sleep, but I find I’ve become somehow addicted to writing everything down here, especially when there’s so many interesting things to write.

I’m here right now for the entirely silly reason that I don’t want to feel alone. Exactly how a glowing laptop screen and the typing of words to virtually no one really changes that I’m not sure, but it seems to make me feel a bit better than just laying here in the pitch black quiet.

Yes, I tried the radio, and yes I did also try a few other channels. Everything I tune in, even things I wouldn’t listen to were blurry at least, most of them just buried in static. It must be the radio itself, not any particular station. I suppose the antenna or some tube or something has gone haywire and now it won’t pick up anything very well. I’ll see about buying a new radio when I can, as I really could use my music back.

The thing that has me still lying here is those few minutes I spent flipping through the dials. I don’t want to sound completely certifiable, but I promised myself when I started this blog that I was going to tell the truth, and this is certainly the truth. I kept turning the dial around and it felt like this…this sound of some kind was following me from station to station. I’m not crazy, alright? I had that dream and I guess it’s still floating in my head, because I kept hearing what I can only call a voice.

Not words that I could identify, just this sense that there was a level of humanity to one of those oddly resonant buzzes. I would have mistaken it for an actual broadcast, badly fuzzed, but it kept being there regardless of which frequency I chose. It got to where I was honestly terrified to hear any more of it, and that’s when I switched the damn radio off and crawled in here for the night, and I’ve been shaking since.

I know, I know, that doesn’t make any sense. I’m imagining things and scaring myself for no reason, I don’t need to be told that. But maybe I need to figure out why I have it out for myself then, because this is…. uncomfortable in some way. Good night.

Published in: on December 19, 2010 at 12:31 am  Comments (2)